Leaving Your Soulless Thoughts Behind
by DaughterOfSorceress-Lion
Summary: Post Eclipse/Pre Breaking Dawn. What started as a plea to inch further in their physical relationship turns into a one sided debate that, once again, holds Bella as the one girl who changed Edwards perspective on life, or in this case, death. BPOV
1. Ease off the Clutch

**Summery**: Post Eclipse/Pre Breaking Dawn. What started as a plea to inch further in their physical relationship turns into a one sided debate that, once again, holds Bella as the one girl who changed Edwards perspective on life, or in this case, death.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own twilight, I'm just using it's characters and situations.

AN: This was originally just an exercise to try and get me back into writing Edward and Bella. It turned into much, much, much more. So let me know if they seem in character, even if they don't it's still food for thought. This is a couple of weeks after the end of Eclipse.

Warnings: 1) There is an implied lime (I don't do descriptive ^_^).

2) There are some biblical references (don't mean to offend any one, just fighting fire with fire)

3) It's an itty bitty bit AU (it's possible that BD would have far less angst had this happened)

4)Major family fluff at the end (not so much a warning as a promise)

**Ease Off The Clutch, Leaving Your Soulless Thoughts Behind**

"Bella." He warned me, pulling out of our over-enthusiastic kiss. I had escaped Alice's clutches for a while, Edward came as close to begging without actually begging, as begging gets, which is what it sometimes takes with Alice. She had winked at me with a huge smile on her face as we walked upstairs to his bedroom. It was difficult for Edward and I to not to have our hands on the other at all times, but at the same time…

"Edward." I shot back… Ever since the day in the Meadow, when I said no, he had gone right back to the old over careful vampire fiancé. Fiancé, it still tasted funny, but after having talked with Renee while Alice was hustling around like there was no tomorrow, I had slowly been getting used to the idea. I sighed and sat up on his bed.

"Bella…" It was apologetic this time. It was to the point where I was almost wondering if he was embarrassed to have his family know what he was doing with the human, as much as I was embarrassed they knew I wasn't capable of caring when his mouth was on mine. On a second look, one would assume because of the years that he's had to put up with their… activities, that he would be more than happy to exact revenge.

"Love, you know I don't want to stop." I turned to look at him sitting next to me. I looked at his eye's. As dangerous as it was for me, more recently I'd discovered it was just as dangerous for him, just like the word "please", it had him crumbling. I was careful to continue breathing, needless to say I still forgot.

"Breath, Love." I sucked in a burst of air and he broke the connection looking out his window wall. I scrambled to put my thoughts together, I had been thinking about something before I got lost in his eye's. What was it… ah, I momentarily wondered who was all here right now. I don't know if I really wanted to bring this up now, it could go in so many different directions. I should have asked Alice. Then again she was smirking at me earlier… Edwards phone buzzed. Speak of the Devil. He opened it.

"It's Alice." He handed me the phone. It was a text.

*Give the phone to Bella* The phone vibrated again and I hit the select button.

*Go ahead, it needs to be said. NO one will make a peep. 3 Alice* I closed the phone and gave it back to Edward. I pulled my knees up to my chest and leaned my back against the headboard of the bed. He was looking at me, waiting. I didn't really know how to start, so I just plunged in. I had been thinking about this for a while, even more so in the last week. Who knew where the other side of the conversation would leave us.

"Edward, what kind of damage do you think my Truck's engine would take if you somehow managed to go from, say… ten miles per hour, to lets say 65, in a few seconds."

"We could find out." He said hopefully. Him and his incessant hate for my truck. I rolled my eye's.

"I've never tried to go 65, we have no idea how my truck would handle that, let alone in such a short period of time."

"Love, whatever you need to say just say it, if you want another…"

"Would you shut up about my truck?" He raised an eyebrow, I needed my second approach. "Ok, just so you know what track you're brain should be on, I'm going to compare you to a motorcycle."

"Okay." He was fighting back a laugh I'm sure seeing as his lips were twitching upward though he was attempting to remain neutral.

"What happens to a motorcycle when you just let off the clutch?" I didn't give him time to answer as I continued on my explanation. God help me if Emmett is here, there will be no end to the embarrassment of the next sentence I was about to utter. "The bike shoots forward, and generally the person riding said bike gets hurt." I'm sure my face was beet red right now. There was no way I wanted to look at Edward, but I wanted to see if he understood. Before I could work up the courage, a sound similar to a boulder breaking came from below us. I really did not want to know who was down stairs. Why didn't Alice just drag them all away. I looked back up at Edwards face and if he could blush, I'm sure he would be. The phone buzzed again. Edward made no effort to get it. I picked it up. It was Alice.

*Trust me, this isn't just for our entertainment, we need to be here for later.* I wondered if it was for a family moment or if there was going to be a safety issue. It buzzed again.

*Family moment* How did she do that? Maybe I was actually going to ask. More importantly, why was she using the phone when she was just down stairs interrupting anyway? Nothing. I continued.

"So, my point is, in order for the um," There was no avoiding it, just spit it out, "the rider to avoid getting hurt, they ease off the clutch slowly. Each bike is different, so no matter what you do or don't know about bikes, you have to get used to how much speed comes from how much you let off of your clutch before you bother to go full throttle. Even more so for newbie's. Even more important than knowing how to go forward is how and when to use the brake. I know you said you're still… keeping things light, because you're control beyond some imaginary line has since, disappeared. But testing the break is going to be as important as testing the speed on the clutch. Is this making any sense?"

"Yes." He wouldn't look up at me. There was so many reasons he might not want to look at me right now. The one I feared the most and had the least relevance to what I was saying, was that he would notice that this was all stuff I had learned from Jacob during the Cullen's… absence, and I was using that knowledge to compare riding a motorcycle, something that was just a Jacob Bella thing, to the physical relationship between Edward and I. Somehow I had the slightest of feelings, that was where this was going. We had already talked about this. I let go of my knees and crawled over to him. I grabbed his chin and lifted in up, he let me but he had his eye's closed.

"Edward look at me." He still did not open them. "Please." He could not refuse me, when I used that word. His eye's opened slowly and his sadness was more than evident. Sometimes It seemed Edward had more insecurities than me.

"Bella…" I cut him off.

"Edward what does it take to make you forget your self hate and remember the strength of our love? What made you change your mind in our Meadow the first time we were there, the last?" His eye's shot from the corner of the bed directly to my eye's. Normally I would call this dazzling, but there was something primal in his gaze. His eye's were light, having hunted just yesterday, but at the same time it seemed even more predator like, than when his eye's were black, be it with blood lust, or just… lust. This wasn't dazzling, it was piercing.

"Breath." It was nothing short of an order, one that I readily obeyed. My lungs heaved with need. It would be nice when I could look into his eye's and stop breathing, and not have to worry about suffocating. His piercing gaze softened, it lost its edge.

"What?" I couldn't help but ask. What brought out that look.

"Just, you. Always you Isabella. Your silent mind, your selfless nature, your love. Your touch drives me mad with want, two very different wants. Even with the burn you make me forget… forget that I'm dangerous, forget what I am. Forgetting is dangerous, especially around you. I can't forget my strength lest I crush you, I can't forget the burn lest I bite you, drain you. I can't forget, but you make me forget; the knowledge that there is a point in my own mind that I know I'll forget, is what makes me pull away now, not your blood. That point is when the man takes over the monster while the monster lies in wait for an unsuspecting moment, when I'm not paying attention, when the instinct to drain you overcomes the need to love you. When I offered… in our Meadow, your selfless nature made me want to put you above all else, so much so that I forgot that I'm dangerous. It was the fact that you somehow felt something for me, a soulless creature of the night, the first time I took you there."

My throat closed and the tears were very close to falling. He turned his head down, staring at the comforter. My hands found their way to his cheeks, my left brushed back into his bronze hair while I trailed the knuckles of my other along his jaw line. If it weren't for the dead silence, besides our breathing, I probably never would have heard it, a small purr, but I did. It was a small rumble in his throat. I trailed the fingers of my right hand down from his jaw to his Adams apple. His throat was actually vibrating, it reminded me of a cat… a mountain lion. My mountain lion. My mountain lion who hated himself, who didn't want to subject me to his "soulless" existence. His point of view on that was also something I had thought a lot about. It seemed the very root of his fear, so perhaps it was not as much a jump in topic as it seemed. Perhaps this needed to be dealt with before anything else.

"Soulless huh?" I had imagined this conversation many times but never had the guts to say anything. I knew that some of my points were hitting, below the belt, so to speak; but if it's what needed to be done to jam it into his thick marble hard vampire skull, then it's what I'd do. Perhaps this was what Alice was referring to for a "Family Moment", at this point for my own sanity, I would pretend they weren't here. Edward looked up looking slightly ashamed, perhaps.

"Bella you know how I feel about that." He's right, and I was going figuratively give him a piece of my mind for it. Just what he always wanted.

I was getting a bit uncomfortable in my current position, and though he'd never worry about staying in one place for too long, I did. I laid down on my back, my head resting on a pillow. I patted the spot next to me. He complied albeit cautiously, lying on his side with his elbow bent and his hand holding his head, his other hand wrapped around my waist. I thought it only fair to give him warning, and the warning that popped into my head once again brought us back to a time when my visiting Jacob was in dispute. I didn't want to bring it up, but it seemed fitting in an odd way considering my bike metaphor.

"I once told you that you were going to come home to something that would make angry grizzlies look tame, that didn't end up happening… You're cashing in your rain check." I looked from the ceiling back to his face. He looked acceptably nervous. I could almost picture Emmett's face lighting up at the sound of grizzlies. But I couldn't think about the rest of the Cullen's, I couldn't think that they where going to hear what I was going to say. It was just me and Edward, I would deal with the repercussions later.

"Okay." It took a lot to be mad at Edward, but he was already feeling slightly insecure, and as horrible as it sounds it was probably the easiest time I was ever going to have getting him to listen to what I had to say.

"Does Esme have a soul?" Simple question, with a double edged sword for an answer. He was shocked, and he was hiding it badly. I wasn't going to make him answer, but it needed to be thought about. "By your definition, she doesn't." His shocked demeanor also took on a chagrined expression. I continued.

"You know what I think about that? I think it's bull shit." Once again I caught him off guard. I didn't normally swear, but I was working my way passed an Angry grizzly bear. I had to start somewhere. "I practically raised myself while watching over Renee. Esme is the mother I never had and never knew that I wanted until I had her. How the hell do you think that makes me feel, to know that _You_ think she doesn't have a soul?" I looked at him. He was looking at the ceiling. Laying down while talking just wasn't working. I pushed his hand off. He grimaced as I got up and he moved to his back, with his knees up. I started pacing at the side of the bed.

"Carlisle, yet another parent figure. Charlie's great to live with but he's never… even when grounding me or when he's acting like a father, he's more like a quiet friend, like my mother, though far more responsible. Phil, he's someone I entrusted Renee too, nothing more. But Carlisle, he's the kind of father you can trust with _anything_; and know he won't judge you. He treated you as the prodigal son when you returned from your rebellious stage, did he not?" I paused and received no clarification. I continued, "After all that he's been through, after all the years of perseverance to become a doctor and living alone, after all the lives that he's saved… after all he's done for this family, for _You_… Does that description really hit you as a soulless person?" Edward was looking out the window now.

"Rosalie, the older sister: the one I look at with envy. Not just because of her good looks, but because of the confidence she holds herself with. After what she's been through, one look at Emmett and quite a hike home just to save him later, and you know there's more behind the bitch façade. Rather than just let me be ignorant of what it is that I want, she told me her story to tell me what I was giving up, what I could have instead. Does a soulless person do something like that?" His eye's were closed now.

"Emmett, the big brother, and the little brother at the same time. Such a kid, yet such a pervert. With as much fun as he has in… death… he so easy to laugh at, and laughs at everyone just as easily. He's the protector, the guy you know has your back. Really how can someone like Emmett not have a Soul? It just doesn't make sense to me, how a vicious yet sweet teddy bear could possibly be soulless." Edward hadn't moved an inch, I'm not even sure he was breathing.

"Alice, the best friend I've ever had, my sister, Your sister. We all know she can be a handful, always meddling, but how could anyone not love her? When she was here after our… adventure in phoenix, she helped me, a lot. We talked a lot. When I need a girl to talk too, I think of her first, I know I can trust her... And not just because she can see the future. When it comes to her make over's… I honestly don't like being "Bella Barbie," but I'm willing to amuse her because she doesn't have any memories of what it was like to be human, yet she enjoys shopping and works magic with make up. No human memories and yet, she was so comfortable with me already when I first stepped in this house, she has so much energy, such a welcoming presence. Would someone without a soul be able to be like that?" I let the silence linger for slightly longer than what was comfortable. Jacob had been my best friend too, but he was a guy, Alice a girl. Two very different ends in two very different categories. Edward still hadn't moved.

"Jasper, the newest to being a vegetarian, the brother in the background. He tries _so_ hard for Alice, for himself, for everyone, despite his… upbringing. So many feelings and thirsts while fighting his own. Always managing to make you feel calm when under… other circumstances you probably wouldn't." I'd have to thank him later, "He's lived through so much and yet he tries to make the best out of it with what he has and the choices he makes; you all do. Doesn't that sound human? Doesn't that sound like someone with a soul?" Edward was shaking now, probably in silent sobs, I was breaking through… I hoped. My pacing slowed, it was more contemplative now. I hadn't really thought beyond that. But there was more to be said none the less.

"I've never been that religious, Renee has been through so many "phases" it's not really funny. Christianity was one of those phases, so I know my fair share, I used to have all the popular quotes memorized, but there is one that I vaguely remember from 1st Corinthians. _'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.' _Love was created by god right? How can anyone love unless they too were created by god? And who is god to create a being and leave them without a soul?" His eye's were clenched shut with eyebrows furrowed while pinching the bridge of his nose. He was still shaking some.

"Clearly love is something vampires are more than capable of. Hell, James and Victoria loved each other right?" There was a low growl in his chest, this is what I get for adlibbing. "I'm sure they had souls as much as Bonnie and Clyde did." Edward gave a short snort. "Just because you have a soul doesn't mean you're going to heaven. You of all people should know the human scum of the earth. I'm not saying killing humans is right, that's like a lamb telling a lion that it's fine to kill the rest of the flock," his lips were trying to smile at our old analogy, "but at the same time just because a human is more conscious of how animals in food farms are treated doesn't make them more likely to go to heaven, but it's a belief, a way of life. In your case it's a way of death, I guess." I hadn't honestly talked this long at once since the days in the beginning, when Edward asked me question after question after question.

I crawled back onto the bed and put one leg on each side of his stomach to straddle him. I took the hand that was still on his nose in my own and took it and kissed his palm. This got his eye's to open. There were too many emotions to identify. I leaned forward shaking my head a bit. My hair enclosed us in our own very small world. My eye's locked with his and for once I could think clearly.

"Shall I tell you why you have a soul?" I didn't bother waiting for him to answer me. "You are my love, my only love. When you left, you left me broken," He winced. "It obviously wasn't physical, more than anything it was emotionally. But tell me… what human ends up like I did from just 'emotional' pain?" He opened his mouth but I kissed him, forcing him and his stubborn self to use chaste kisses, effectively shutting him up. I stopped briefly.

"We both have souls, but by then it was too late, they had already started to become one, if they weren't already. You left us with half a soul each, always begging for the other half to come back to it. And then when it did, the only pain remaining were those from memories. It fused back into one so easily, as if there had never been a break. It has told us all along what our mind's have not been able to comprehend, what our hearts haven't been able to understand." I had no idea where these words were coming from, I could only assume the comfortable feeling was from Jasper, but perhaps not.

"If you silence the battle between your heart and your mind," I brought one hand under my hair curtain to brush both of our hair from his forehead, "you can hear it, you can feel it. You just know. Close your eye's and listen to the silence." I brought my hand to his cheek caressing it, urging him to close his eye's. He complied. I let the silence linger for a few minutes, hours, perhaps seconds, I couldn't tell, until a small smile played at his lips. I really needed to stop worrying if it had something to do with someone downstairs. I could not panic right now. How his mind and heart were handling their silence, I didn't know. His eye's opened, they were far away. My eye's burned into his for once. I couldn't take it. "And?"

"This is right. We're right. I won't hurt you, because I can't." I was worried it was just me, but it wasn't. He still had that distant smile on his face.

"I know." I smiled, "You're not just saying that are you?" He's face adopted a wicked grin. Before I knew it our personal curtain was gone, lying on a pillow no thanks to gravity as my back was against the bed.

"Not a chance." I gasped at the sensation of him grinding me, albeit lightly, but still. I hadn't expected this, this was unusual. I didn't understand how we had gone from my questioning his belief on souls to… to this. The pressure increased and my eye's rolled back in my head as I moaned. It seemed like I wanted to be quiet, but I didn't remember why, so I didn't bother. He kissed me, his lips moving urgently but feather light while his hands grazed the sides of my torso. I wanted more, but I'd take what I could get without complaint. Thinking ceased to be a matter of life, as did breathing… several times, Edward always reminded me of that. But, we were wearing everything one would normally walk right out the door wearing, yet I was climbing. Climbing for something; I had a vague idea what it was. There was no doubt he knew what it was. I wasn't aware of speaking but I could vaguely remember hearing my distant voice scream his name while his voice screamed mine as my back arched off the bed. Edward slowed his grinding as I came back from heaven. There was no doubt this man had a soul.

I slowly opened the eye's that I hadn't realized I had closed. I was on my back and he was on his side again leaning his face against his hand as his other brushed along the line of my pants. It occurred to me that perhaps he needed that more than I did. I know he needed that more than I did. He hadn't hurt me, and he had proven that 'easing off the clutch' just might work, before he had the time to question it's accuracy. I had no idea what the look on my face was, I knew this is something that I had wanted for… for a while. But only now did he give it to me when he was giving me so many other things already, it hardly seem any fair. Just the same I couldn't help but want more of it.

"Such a tease, taking me to heaven and back. You'll be doing that more often, right?" I was going for sexy; surprisingly enough it might have worked, if not for my insecurities of not knowing what _he_ wanted.

"Yes love, dear god yes." He sighed into my hair. We were quiet, I don't know for how long but I couldn't help breaking it. I didn't understand still.

"What are you thinking?" He smiled into my hair no doubt laughing that I would be asking _him_ that.

"When you first came to forks, my eye's were shut tight, so stuck in my own beliefs. I though that you had shown me how to open them, but you didn't. You told me how to, for how could I see with my eye's closed, how could I understand when I didn't have access to your mind. And when I refused to open them on my own, you did it for me, shoving the facts in my face. Like flicking a switch in my brain, you've done it to me so many times. I doubt you will ever cease to amaze me. How such a creature could love a mo… How could such a woman, have fallen in a love with a man like me?" I smiled at his correction.

"You say I don't see myself clearly. You seem to have the same affliction. Let me lend you my eye's." His eye's looked at mine in confusion. "You're a handsome young man with green eyes aged topaz with time and blood. You're beautiful, you're old, but you're still a horny teenager." He couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face.

"I'm not the only horny teenager here Mrs. Soon-to-be Cullen." He flipped over so that he above me. I laughed lightly.

"Don't you mean Mrs. Soon-to-be Masen-Cullen?" His eye's tightened a small bit, but were still full of confusion. "Cullen makes me a part of this family, Masen makes me yours." His lips were on mine, cold and not nearly as gentle as usual. I met his urgency taking advantage of the time I had before he regained control of himself. He broke away so that I could breath, tracing kisses down my jaw line. My mouth was open as my lungs grasped for air, Edward didn't wait for me as long as normal, though I wasn't complaining.

All at once, it was new, it was more, and still not enough, his tongue stroking mine in my mouth. My eye's rolled into the back of my head as I let out an involuntary guttural moan as a shock of electricity made it's way down to my core. He stopped briefly, I let out a pathetic whimper, I felt him smile.

"I love you my Isabella." I smiled back.

"I love you my Edward." This is generally where things fade to black and bliss ensues, unfortunately there were others around, others who apparently wanted a word. Now.

The repercussions of my words.

A loud bang hit on our door. Edward rolled to my side. I sat up looking at him, then I heard the door creak open. He was smiling like the teenage, over protective idiot he is. I turned to face behind me with a cheesy 'please don't eat me' smile. I was going to get up, and then I realized just how uncomfortable being _that_… wet, with cloths still on, was.

"I need a human moment first." Alice was instantly in front of me lifting me off the bed in a giant hug. I screwed breathing and just hugged her back. I heard Edward growl at Alice, probably for my extended, non breathing time. She chuckled lightly and pulled out of seemingly thin air, a new pair of jeans and, hopefully underwear in there too.

"Three minutes thirty two seconds, and just leave them in a corner, the pack rat will find them later." My blush had to be reaching record proportions, everyone laughed at that except Edward, I didn't dare look back at him. I quickly took care of my human needs ignoring what the underwear Alice provided me with actually looked like, though the jeans did fit nicely. I walked back out and was immediately enveloped in Esme's figuratively warm, but still very motherly embrace.

"Thank you Sweetheart. You've no idea how much that meant." I readily wrapped my arms around her waist as small tremors wracked her body.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to…" Esme cut me off, placing her lips on my forehead, then whispered fiercely,

"You've nothing to be sorry for. Nothing." I swallowed back a lump in my throat. Esme let me go and Rosalie was next. Perhaps following the order I mentioned them. She approached me, her eye's for once unsure and cautious, much like they had been when we returned from Italy. I smiled softly at her, I didn't know how what I'd said would go with her. She was four feet away, and then she was crushing me to her. I hiss out a breath of pain, and she loosened the hug immediately.

"Sorry, I'm not used to…" I wrapped my arms around her lightly making her stop mid-sentence.

"I know, don't worry about it." I laughed quietly.

"Only you could find the good in someone that has treated you like I have." She let go, uncomfortable… probably for many reasons. I looked at her as she retreated.

"All one has to do is look." I replied. Then Emmet was lifting me off the ground in a hug, having more experience in not crushing me it didn't hurt, but it was… slightly scary. He set me back down.

"I've always got your back kiddo." It was probably the most serious I had ever heard him be. I hugged him back with a smile on my face. "By the way, a word of advice about the bike…" Cue immediate blush and groan. Emmett laughed. Go figure. "I'm sure the clutch is sticky and his breaks probably suck. So if he goes all animal on you, don't get too scared, Eddie's been sexually repressed for far too long." I may have been extraordinarily embarrassed, but I couldn't help the small smile that crossed my face at that comment. The moment Emmet let go Alice was in his place.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." I giggled into her hair as we hugged again. She whispered in my ear. "Love you Bella." I smiled.

"Love you too Alice." She giggled and jumped back, shoving Jasper forward. I looked at him in amusement as he was trying, and failing to keep a very, very goofy grin off his face. I could only imagine what the atmosphere was like. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, just the same I didn't want there to be a difference. A double edged sword of sorts. I stepped forward leaving a small gap between us and I looked up to look him in his eye's. He was my brother, the one who struggled. I let my emotions flood over. A mix of brotherly affection and support. He lost the fight with the goofy grin and I honestly wanted a camera.

"Say 'mountain lion'!" I looked towards Alice confused, then was blinded. Apparently she had the same idea. I blinked a few times only to feel Jaspers hand on my shoulder. The feelings that came next were so strong had Alice not been there to hold me up, my knees probably would have buckled. Sisterly affection and a healthy dose of gratitude. It was better than any hug. I felt a few tears fall from my seemingly constantly watery eye's. I looked back up at him and smiled. My face was almost beginning to hurt from all this smiling. In a way this didn't seem real. The entire family in Edwards bedroom, hugging me… accepting me. I guess, this made me feel like I was truly a part of this family. The only one's missing were Carlisle and Edward.

I looked at everyone and they were all looking slightly behind me. I turned, and I almost wanted to look away it seemed so… private, I guess. A soft smile once again spread on my face. No secrets was my mental reasoning for staring as everyone else did. My fiancé and my soon to be Father-in-Law were wrapped in a tight hug. I'm not sure if they were both shaking, or if it was just one. But just from their stance, I knew that if they were human, both would shed tears for finally being able to sit on the same island on this subject.

I was proud of Edward, but I was also slightly proud of myself. It seemed silly and self-centered, but I had managed to stay coherent enough to get it all out. I had made him listen, and he had listened willingly. And here he was in his fathers arms sobbing over past words, past actions, past beliefs. My heart felt far too small. It felt like it could explode. It actually hurt, apparently it was bad enough that jasper put his hand on my shoulder and the pain of so much love became bearable, I placed my hand on top of his in thanks.

Edward and Carlisle were no longer shaking, they lifted their heads and opened their eye's, both seemed a bit lighter than before. They let go and Carlisle's eyes met mine. He smiled briefly at Edward, and he seemed slightly sheepish after having such a moment with his father in front of everyone. Carlisle looked back at me and walked over in a few steps, Jasper let go as Carlisle swept me into a hug that rivaled one of Alice's or Emmett's, but his hug didn't leave me breathless, it was his more practiced human side that allowed this I'm sure. I hugged my Father back and smiled. Then he whispered in my ear, his voice still wavering,

"Thank you my daughter. For everything you have done for my son, for my family." I lost it then. The tears escaped my eye lids and the salt water started flowing, I hugged him tighter, managing to hiccup a few words,

"Thank you father." He managed a small laugh, at what I don't know but he held me a slight bit tighter. Edward came to one side wrapping his arms around Carlisle and I. Esme came to the other side doing the same. Alice came and wrapped her arms around Edward and I. Jasper wrapped his arms around Carlisle and Edward. Rosalie wrapped her arms around Carlisle and Esme, and Emmett as big as he was managed to wrap his arms around Esme and I as well as some of Alice and most of Rosalie. No one said anything, because no one needed to.

This… This was family. This is what I was keeping.

I saw in that moment a distant future when all the humans I had ever known were long since gone. I saw happiness, I saw fights, I saw fun, I saw sadness, I saw love, I saw Edward, I saw Family. My rock was my family and my ground was solid.

I had _thought_ I was ready before this moment. But I wasn't. I know if I asked, Edward would probably give in right now. I was ready now, I _knew_ I was ready now. But I still needed to say goodbye to everyone else first. It was going to be hard, I knew that. I knew it was going to suck. But that was life, and I chose death. Two very different paths that hardly ever crossed with a pleasant end.

My end was forever.

My crying had eased to a few sniffles. The moment slowly ended as everyone backed away from the embrace. Carlisle held me out holding me steady. I nodded only to have him let go and fall backwards into Edwards chest, his arms wrapped around my waist. Rosalie left first only to come back with a box of tissues a second later. I smiled at her in thanks, feeling rather embarrassed at being the only one able to produce tears. Edward laughed at my blush, as I blew my nose, throwing the Kleenex away in the trash basket by the door.

Other than my embarrassment, I was basking in this feeling… this feeling of warmth I had never had before, not even remotely close… If Jacob had been my sun. The Cullens… We Cullens were a Supper Nova. But of course, Emmet being Emmett, couldn't leave well enough alone.

"Jesus Bella, didn't know you were related to elephants." He chuckled lightly as Rose smacked the back of his head. We all dissolved into laughter.

This was going to be life, this was going to be death, things would change, I had no doubt. I'm sure some couples would need alone time, every few years. High school and College would be repetitive, boring. But this is what I needed, what Edward needed. What we wanted.

They left us alone; Alice promising us a few hours before she came to collect me for a few more wedding technicalities to iron out. When the door shut I turned in Edwards arms facing him, raising my arms around his neck. I stood on the tips of my toes bringing my mouth to Edwards ear. I grazed my teeth over his earlobe. He moaned, inhaling deeply. My last words before we truly eased off of the clutch some, were these,

"Ease off the clutch, leaving your soulless thoughts behind."

* * *

AN: Wow! I hope you enjoyed, despite the possible AUishness. These were just some things in my head that would just not go away until they were written. R&R

On a side note, does this need an EPOV?


	2. Leaving Your Soulless Thoughts Behind

AN: Well after thinking about it… for a while (me and my thinking) I thought it would be interesting to get things from Edwards perspective. Remember this is post eclipse/pre breaking dawn.

Just a forewarning: This thing is a shit load longer… not a little longer, it's a lot longer… 3,000 words longer. But please don't let that scare you off. If you wanted an EPOV, this is it in all it's family fluff and glory. Enjoy, and R and R, let me know if I got Edward right.

Oh and thanks to my reviewers that I couldn't reply too, reviews are candy and candy makes my day (Thanks y'all)

**Ease Off The Clutch Leaving Your Soulless Thoughts Behind**

I had managed to steel my love away from Alice a short while ago. It had required a fair amount of pleading on my part, but she gave in. She knew that she would but she still couldn't resist torturing me sometimes. She knew how hard it was for us to be apart… well Jasper knew… and it was harder for me to be away from her rather than the other way around no matter what Bella thought. Right now we were on our bed, in our room kissing. I loved kissing her more than anything. But it was hard to keep it at just that… kissing.

She always, Always underestimated my control. I had lost control once before, in the meadow. If she had let me… I don't know if she'd still be alive. That thought always made me sick with myself. I just want her to be happy and it… it figuratively kills me to know that I can not. I know what she's asked of me, but I don't honestly know if I can fulfill that wish. God knows I want to. Jasper knows I want to. Alice knows I want to. Emmett has not stopped teasing me that I haven't. Esme wishes I would have more faith in myself. Carlisle has more faith in me than I deserve. Rosalie doesn't care, that's nothing new.

"Bella." I pulled away from our kiss. I knew she was getting frustrated, especially after the meadow. But I couldn't move past a certain point. When I stopped caring about my worries, when they seemed irrelevant and contrite… that's when I had to pull away. If I didn't, I don't know if I could stop. I know it hurts her. It hurts me to know that I'm once again, and always the cause of that pain. But no matter what I say, no matter what she thinks, her initial reaction is always rejection.

"Edward." She bit back. I sighed, if only she knew. If only I could properly tell her how hard it was to stop. I never wanted to stop. It always hurt when we did, because I wanted more, I wanted to give her more. But the rubber band was being wound tighter. Maybe if we had started exploring our… reactions to each other earlier, it wouldn't have been so dangerous. But, things had been so tense between us then. I could blame the dog, but it wasn't his fault, it was mine for not believing her, for not letting her do as she wanted.

"Bella…" So much I wanted to say, yet could not express. "Love you know I don't want to stop" She looked me in the eye deliberately. It was so easy to get lost in her eye's. I always had to bite back the smile that always wanted to emerge at her reaction to being "dazzled". I had to remind her to breath. There would be a day, possibly, when she would stop breathing, when she wouldn't need to breath. We could spend hours on end just staring in each others eye's dazzling each other.

I looked to the window in guilt… guilt for wanting such a thing. How could I want this life for her. How could she want it. Didn't she understand, she had to understand, didn't she? So long ago, it had been me she said 'yes' to. I screwed up, yet she still chose me over the dog… over Jacob. I was such an idiot. I still am an idiot.

My phone buzzed and I took it out.

*Give the phone to Bella* I handed the phone to Bella,

"It's Alice." I checked my sisters thoughts to see what she wanted but she was humming the Bridal March in her head. That worked even better than any annoying song or translation she could come up with. Not only did it block me, it got me side tracked rather quickly. And most annoying of which is, she knew it. There was another text and Bella flipped the phone shut putting it on the side table. She took a deep breath looking slightly apprehensive. I really wanted to know what this was about. Bella leaned against the head board and brought her knees to her chest. She let out the air and began talking.

"Edward, what kind of damage do you think my Truck's engine would take if you somehow managed to go from, say… ten miles per hour, to lets say 65, in a few seconds."

_Kill the Truck! _A thought from both Emmett and Rosalie. I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"We could find out." I said hopefully. It would surely die. Then I could finally give her the Guardian. She needed it, and I'd feel a lot better if she were driving that. Regardless the truck would be dying soon anyway, of purely mechanical failures. Engineered mechanical failures. But it's not like Emmett destroyed anything. Bella rolled her eye's not knowing of the imminent engine failure for her beloved and decrepit truck.

"I've never tried to go 65, we have no idea how my truck would handle that, let

alone in such a short period of time." What was she getting at… did she actually want a new car? I doubted it, but one never knew.

"Love, whatever you need to say just say it, if you want another…" She cut me off.

"Would you shut up about my truck?" I raised an eye brow. I really wanted to be in her head right now. It would make this so much easier. At least I think it would. It depended where this was going. "Ok, just so you know what track you're brain should be on, I'm going to compare you to a motorcycle." I was desperately trying not to laugh.

"Okay." I was trying to mute my siblings but Jasper was finding this amusing. But he wasn't thinking about it so I couldn't tell why. Perhaps Alice had told him something.

"What happens to a motorcycle when you just let off the clutch?" My brain went to her riding a motorcycle. Then it got sidetracked by the thought of where she would find such information from, who she learned it from…Jacob. My mind wasn't there long though. She didn't bother waiting for an answer, "The bike shoots forward, and generally the person riding said bike gets hurt." Her blush was incredibly deep, but her metaphor clicked quicker in the brains of my brothers than in my own.

_Eddie, you don't want Bella to get hurt when she's ridding you, do you._ I really, really wanted to smack Emmett, however at the moment I was currently glued in my position looking down feeling like a positively stupid idiot. Jasper was laughing his head off at our embarrassment and Emmett was just being Emmett and I really do not want to go there. Alice slapped the back of his head for it.

Even Rosalie was chuckling. _Got to giver her props for that one. I can only imagine the deer in the headlights look he's probably got on right now. Can't believe she had the guts to say that._ It was probably the most she had thought about Bella without something derogatory to think… ever. Esme was quietly trying not to think about the implications of that statement, and succeeding fairly well.

_Oh, good. Carlisle's here._ Alice's Bridal March stumbled as that thought leaked out. His car was in fact coming up the driveway. He wasn't due back for an hour.

_I wonder what's so important it would be "devastatingly catastrophic" for me to miss._ Devastatingly catastrophic? I didn't have any more time to think about it. Alice had a small vision of Bella quietly retreating in shame. My phone buzzed again. I saw what Alice typed in and made no move to grab the phone. Bella grabbed it and received another text. Bella looked slightly surprised, but accepting. She continued.

"So, my point is, in order for the um, the rider to avoid getting hurt, they ease off the clutch slowly. Each bike is different, so no matter what you do or don't know about bikes, you have to get used to how much speed comes from how much you let off of your clutch before you bother to go full throttle. Even more so for newbie's. Even more important than knowing how to go forward is how and when to use the brake. I know you said you're still… keeping things light, because you're control beyond some imaginary line has since, disappeared. But testing the break is going to be as important as testing the speed on the clutch. Is this making any sense?"

_She does have a point Edward._ Jasper of all people, to agree to something like that. Emmett spoke out loud connecting a few dots surprisingly.

"_Think that's what she meant by never having gone 65 in her truck?"_

"_That… thing can't hardly go over 55, of course she's never gone 65." _Rosalie grumbled.

"_Hmm, Going from 10 to 65, would kill it." _Jasper added_._

"_It's not capable of such, that's why the motorcycle is a better Metaphor. Hey Carlisle."_

"_Alice, please tell me that I didn't come home to listen to Bella talking about Vehicles." _Emmet snorted, replying_,_

"_It's about metaphor's doc, not the Vehicles themselves." _Carlisle raised an eye brow at Emmett. Alice gave Carlisle a summery as Esme retreated down stairs to join everyone else.

"_Don't worry you missed most of it anyway. And no I didn't drag you home for you to listen to Bella trying to get Edward to understand that it's probably within everyone's interest for them to slowly work their way from chaste kisses to making love, rather than just have it be a large jump. Bella's already proven that large jumps don't work."_

"_Ah."_ First I can't believe Alice just made a joke out of Bella's "cliff diving" stunt. Second I can't believe all Carlisle said to that was 'Ah'. That's all he thought.

_Not often Carlisle's in complete shock._ That's an understatement Jazz.

_Edward you stupid idiot, say 'YES'_ what was Alice talking… oh right.

"Yes." I was still confused I was looking down trying to dig whatever Alice was hiding out of her. Damn Bridal March. I was about to retreat when I made the mistake of listening too long.

_I'm sure there has to be some kind of Irony here. The truck and the Bike are both from the Mutt. And here she is trying to break down some of Edwards physical boundaries. _My heart dropped several stories. My unbeating heart. It wouldn't be a problem if she had chosen Jacob. This conversation wouldn't even need to happen. Even if it did, he'd get it right off the bat. He understood her as I never could. Why did she chose me when he would be better for her. I'm selfish, I want her, she's everything to me. But I don't know how she can put up with me. After all I've put her through, she said yes, time and time again when all I have done is hurt her, over and over.

_What the Hell?_ Shit. Jasper could tell, he knew something was wrong. Everyone was sitting at dining room table at this point. Everyone saw Jasper glance upward in concern.

"_Jasper?"_ Alice asked.

"_Self-loathing Edward just made a visit." _Rosalie face looked horrified for a split second. Then it was gone.

_Edward I didn't mean it like that. I…_ Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. The most common image that came up was us getting off the plane from Italy. That guilt, though buried, reared it's head every so often. So quietly Bella had no chance of hearing me I whispered,

"It's hardly your fault for thinking what you will." Everyone looked at Rose, Alice glared menacingly. Jasper calmed her and Emmett held Rose close. It wasn't her fault I was listening. It was rather Ironic. I wondered if Bella noticed. Knowing her she probably did. I closed my eye's trying to burry my thoughts away. She climbed over to me and lifted my chin. My eye's still closed.

"Edward look at me." I wasn't sure what my eye's would be like, "Please." I could refuse her nothing. I opened them but looked towards the end of the bed. I wanted to tell her I was okay.

"Bella…" She cut me off, again.

"Edward what does it take to make you forget your self hate and remember the strength of our love? What made you change your mind in our Meadow the first time we were there, the last?" How could I answer that. She made me forget. It didn't matter that it was because of her I felt more like a monster than I had in years previous to meeting her. Now, she just made me forget. I forgot everything but her. My light, my meteor in my darkest night. She was everything. I looked in her eye's, trying to make her understand. It was her, only her. No other could make my heart feel as if it could still beat, no other made me think that this existence was worth living.

"Breath." I made her stop breathing, I could suck her dry. I could hurt her, I could kill her, but I had done far worse… far far worse. I only live with my mistakes, knowing that she and Jacob suffered from my stupidity. My fault, always my fault.

"What?" How could I answer her? Truthfully, she deserved it. It seemed that I had made a hobby out of lying to her, of keeping her in the dark. He never did. He knew she could handle it. He knew that she deserved to know. I knew I was falling, falling fast. I didn't know how to climb back up. I could not form a perfect answer so I just… started talking, everything that had been stuck in my brain fell out onto my tongue, unfiltered. I don't know if it even made any sense. I just wanted her to understand. She never seemed to understand. She had believed the lie so easily, when I left. But only she could pull me out of my depression, only she could light up my world.

"Just, you. Always you Isabella. Your silent mind, your selfless nature, your love. Your touch drives me mad with want, two very different wants. Even with the burn you make me forget… forget that I'm dangerous, forget what I am. Forgetting is dangerous, especially around you. I can't forget my strength lest I crush you, I can't forget the burn lest I bite you, drain you. I can't forget, but you make me forget; the knowledge that there is a point in my own mind that I know I'll forget, is what makes me pull away now, not your blood. That point is when the man takes over the monster while the monster lies in wait for an unsuspecting moment, when I'm not paying attention, when the instinct to drain you overcomes the need to love you. When I offered… in our Meadow, your selfless nature made me want to put you above all else, so much so that I forgot that I'm dangerous. It was the fact that you somehow felt something for me, a soulless creature of the night, the first time I took you there." Please understand, love. I need you to understand. I love you so much. I looked down unable to hear her once again discount my fears.

Her left hand knotted in my hair and she brushed the knuckles on her right hand along my jaw line. She said nothing. I let myself sink into her presence. I needed her, and here she was offering the simplest of comforts. I closed my eye's and took a deep breath letting her blood scorch my throat. I truly was a masochistic lion. The incredible burn her blood created in my throat was easy to ignore, the monster was well chained through practice and 'mind over matter'. But when I didn't ignore it. When I indulged my senses and my brain to feel her burn, to focus on it. It calmed me as even Jasper could not. It was natural, it was easy. The pain brought relief… her beating heart brought hope. I knew she was alive. I knew that she was here with me.

Her right hand trailed down my throat to my Adams apple. It was only then that I noticed what I had unconsciously done. Emmett couldn't help the laugh, he laughed at everything that came at my expense now a days. I would have laughed myself to be honest. I had never had the 'purring' reaction before. As far as anyone else knew it only happened after and sometimes during making love with their mate. It was a sound of utter peace and bliss. That was hardly were we were at, I wasn't peaceful or blissful. Only calmed by my own pain.

"Soulless huh?" The sound stopped immediately. I could feel Carlisle's mental flinch as well as Alice's excitement. Her internal happy squealing had overpowered any need for the March. I hadn't heard Alice this happy since… well since just shortly before she got to 'actually' meet Bella. I opened my eye's an looked up to meet her almost parental scowl.

"Bella you know how I feel about that."

_No dip Sherlock._ Alice. Whatever was coming… I had the strangest of feelings it wasn't going to be pleasant. Bella moved and laid on her back, patting the space beside her. I leaned on my hand while laying on my side. She was looking at the ceiling contemplating something.

"I once told you that you were going to come home to something that would make angry grizzlies look tame, that didn't end up happening… You're cashing in your rain check." I'm surprised everyone downstairs didn't break out in applause. I remember getting that phone call. Being sleepy and susceptible to my… charm, definitely worked in my favor, we saw no Grizzly Bella. Everyone was actually disappointed, they were looking forward to the show. Even though Alice knew it wasn't going to happen, she was still disappointed. Rosalie especially was hoping she would kick me in the ass. Though Esme didn't like fighting, she was interested in how the human would surpass Emmett's favorite meal. Carlisle was much the same. Everyone at the table was looking at Alice who had a wicked grin on her face. The nervousness set in. Jasper was more than amused.

"Okay." My attention was back here on Bella, but I could still see Alice smiling brightly at Esme.

_Nothing will prepare you Edward. Just let her say what she needs to say._ Okay Alice. Then Bella spoke. Alice as always, was right. Nothing could prepare me.

"Does Esme have a soul?" I didn't bother to hide the shock of the question. No one downstairs did. Esme was leaning into Carlisle looking down. How could I possibly answer that question. I… I couldn't. Bella knew that, she knew exactly what she was doing. That meant she had thought about this a lot. This was the perfect time to get me to listen. I gave her the perfect intro. I doubted this was what she was planning on talking about. But Alice knew, Angry Grizzly's be damned. She continued.

"By your definition, she doesn't." I couldn't keep the grimace off of my face. "You know what I think about that? I think it's bull shit." Esme was struggling to maintain composure. As was I. She was my mother in nearly every sense. "I practically raised myself while watching over Renee. Esme is the mother I never had and never knew that I wanted until I had her. How the hell do you think that makes me feel, to know that _You_ think she doesn't have a soul?" I was looking up at the ceiling. Esme was dry sobbing, her thoughts jumbled and incoherent. Jasper was attempting not to cringe. Her emotions were everywhere.

_I don't think Bella will ever be able to comprehend the effect she has on us. What her words mean to Esme._ Carlisle was right. Alice was practically jumping in her seat. Her smile now directed towards Carlisle. Was Bella going to go through everyone? She pushed my arm off and I tried not to let her distance pain me. I laid on my back looking up as she began to pace.

"Carlisle, yet another parent figure. Charlie's great to live with but he's never… even when grounding me or when he's acting like a father, he's more like a quiet friend, like my mother, though far more responsible. Phil, he's someone I entrusted Renee too, nothing more. But Carlisle, he's the kind of father you can trust with _anything_; and know he won't judge you. He treated you as the prodigal son when you returned from your rebellious stage, did he not?" It was dead silent downstairs.

_He is my son. I created him, how could I not. _I didn't deserve it.

"After all that he's been through, after all the years of perseverance to become a doctor and living alone, after all the lives that he's saved… after all he's done for this family, for _You_… Does that description really hit you as a soulless person?" I looked out the window unable to meet any look that Bella might give me. He was my father, to hear her question phrased as it was, was not an easy thing to leave unanswered. Bella had thought about this for a long time.

Esme smiled at this, having calmed down. _No, he must have a soul._ It seemed like something I would readily agree to, except that… I didn't believe that. Carlisle was still smiling at Bella's words. He had already considered her a daughter for a while, but to hear that she felt much the same was somewhat of a relief for him.

"Rosalie," I honestly thought she would be last. So did everyone downstairs. Besides Alice of course. As much as Alice disliked Rosalie still for her actions that led to Italy, she was now smiling at her. "the older sister: the one I look at with envy. Not just because of her good looks, but because of the confidence she holds herself with. After what she's been through, one look at Emmett and quite a hike home just to save him later, and you know there's more behind the bitch façade." That elicited a few laughs, Rosalie smirked at it. But Bella wasn't done. "Rather than just let me be ignorant of what it is that I want, she told me her story to tell me what I was giving up, what I could have instead. Does a soulless person do something like that?"

_What? I… but…_ It was two sentences. Two sentences that left Rosalie wordless. When I had come home, I had admittedly not been happy she had told her. But at the same time it was her story to tell, and having her tell it at least meant that she was almost accepting Bella. Rose knew the likely hood of it changing Bella's mind was minimal at best, yet she had tried anyway. She had thought that Bella would find her last ditch effort to be pointless. I did.

"_Bella really doesn't think like any one else does she?"_ I closed my eye's as a light chuckle surrounded the table from Emmet's statement. _Man I haven't seen Rosy this bad since… after the phone call._ I had seen glimpses of the after affects of Rosalie's thoughtless call through Everyone's mind. More so from Emmet than anyone. The resemblance of a broken Rose was uncanny.

_After everything I've done… how can she see the good in my actions? _The simple answer, she was my Bella. Alice was looking at Emmett now. He was most interested in what she had to say.

"Emmett, the big brother, and the little brother at the same time. Such a kid, yet such a pervert." Rosalie managed a snort, trying to find her composure. "With as much fun as he has in… death… he so easy to laugh at, and laughs at everyone just as easily. He's the protector, the guy you know has your back. Really how can someone like Emmett not have a Soul? It just doesn't make sense to me, how a vicious yet sweet teddy bear could possibly be soulless." Emmett had a huge smile on his face after 'big brother'. His teeth were now clenched and his lips pressed tightly together with his eye's closed.

_Emmett…_ Jasper had never felt the kind of happiness that was coming off of Emmett, from Emmett ever before. It was the kind of happiness that could make a guy loose it. He was holding it in, but he was extraordinarily glad that Bella saw him as a protective older brother, because he saw her as a younger sister that needed protecting.

Rosalie leaned into him and closed her eyes just resting, letting their calm return. I had stopped breathing to prevent any emotion from making it to the surface, god knows what was brewing, I couldn't put a name to the emotions, Jasper wasn't even trying. Emmett did seem like the kind of guy that couldn't loose his soul. He was just like that. But it didn't… it didn't make sense. Alice was glowing with pride now. It's intensity had Jasper on the edge of his seat, figuratively.

"Alice, the best friend I've ever had, my sister, Your sister. We all know she can be a handful, always meddling, but how could anyone not love her?" Jasper smiled. "When she was here after our… adventure in phoenix, she helped me, a lot." Alice had avoided thinking about that. In general… I avoided her thoughts when she did. I had no wish to see Bella in the shower naked. It would have done the little of my remaining sanity in. "We talked a lot. When I need a girl to talk too, I think of her first, I know I can trust her... And not just because she can see the future." Alice grimaced slightly at what was coming.

"When it comes to her make over's… I honestly don't like being "Bella Barbie," but I'm willing to amuse her because she doesn't have any memories of what it was like to be human, yet she enjoys shopping and works magic with make up. No human memories and yet, she was so comfortable with me already when I first stepped in this house, she has so much energy, such a welcoming presence." Carlisle and Esme chuckled at that. _Yes, she feels more than welcome where ever she goes_. Carlisle would never forget Alice's introduction into the family. Alice smiled rather sheepishly at him and he smiled back lovingly. "Would someone without a soul be able to be like that?" If they had souls, I… I couldn't accept that I had a soul.

"_Last but certainly not least." _Alice smiled widely at Jasper her excitement at it's height. Jasper couldn't help but wonder what Bella thought of him

"Jasper, the newest to being a vegetarian, the brother in the background. He tries _so_ hard for Alice, for himself, for everyone, despite his… upbringing. So many feelings and thirsts while fighting his own. Always managing to make you feel calm when under… other circumstances you probably wouldn't." She paused. Everyone looked at Jasper. He shook his head.

"_It's all her."_

"He's lived through so much and yet he tries to make the best out of it with what he has and the choices he makes; you all do. Doesn't that sound human? Doesn't that sound like someone with a soul?" I attempted to be subtle, but I was desperately holding back cries of anguish. 'Doesn't that sound human.', 'trying to make the best out of it with what he has and the choices he makes; You All Do, what was that supposed to mean. We weren't human, we… My own thoughts were a confused mess, a mess I didn't want to deal with so I listened to everyone downstairs. That wasn't much better. Everyone was going through the same difficulty as I was. Oddly enough the most coherent besides Alice was Jasper.

_Doesn't that sound human?_ Jasper closed his eye's. She really didn't know him that well as it was difficult for him still. _The brother in the background. The brother…_ Bella didn't spend much time with him, yet she had still picked words that would affect him. _Human? The least human of all of us… Doesn't that sound human?_ That small sentence was ringing around in his head like a never ending echo. He smiled at her question. He opened his eye's and looked at Alice who had the largest smirk on her face he had ever seen.

_That's my Jazzy._ Alice indicated that Bella wasn't done. She probably hadn't talked this much at one time since my Spanish Inquisition when I first 'let the chips fall where they may'

"_She really doesn't think like other humans does she?"_ Emmett burst out again.

"_Doubtful."_ Carlisle answered.

"_I can't imagine where we would be without her though."_ Everyone… All of them agreed with our mother. She was my Bella. And she was a part of this family.

"_The rest of this is relatively new." _Alice spoke.

"_Wait how old was this other stuff?" _Emmett asked. He had my full support in having the question answered.

"_Oh it's been here and there, she always looses her guts when she wants to say anything, not wanting to seem sappy. But this has been building ever since we got back from Italy. To be honest, the first I saw of this was after Carlisle talked with Bella while removing the glass. It's changed here and there into what it is now. But the rest of this stuff it newer. After the almost deflowering."_

"_Wait what?"_ It was shouted by more than one.

"_Whoops did I say that out loud?"_ Alice was going to get it later. She giggled. Yeah.

"_Wait is that what they were talking about for the Meadow the last time?"_ Alice just smiled and Emmett laughed, as he does so easily._ More teasing material._

I had calmed down some. The light hearted conversation had helped everyone despite my impending torture from Emmett. I noticed Bella's pacing had slowed, it was only a few seconds more before she started talking.

"I've never been that religious, Renee has been through so many "phases" it's not really funny. Christianity was one of those phases, so I know my fair share, I used to have all the popular quotes memorized, but there is one that I vaguely remember from 1st Corinthians. _'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.' _Love was created by god right? How can anyone love unless they too were created by god? And who is god to create a being and leave them without a soul?" I pinched the bridge of my nose as Carlisle's thoughts began going faster than even I could run. She was throwing his kind of reasoning around now, only it made sense now. Everyone down stairs had their own opinion of this, but love, that was something we all shared.

"Clearly love is something vampires are more than capable of. Hell, James and Victoria loved each other right?" I growled at that. I had missed it. I was so focused on James I had completely missed it. It had caused so much pain.

_It's not your fault Edward._ Only Jasper… he knew what it was to make a mistake. Ours were different, but as much as I had been shoving the fact that Bella's birthday wasn't his fault, it seemed only fair that he would do the same for me… whether I wanted it or not.

"I'm sure they had souls as much as Bonnie and Clyde did." I let out a snort as everyone managed to get a laugh out of that comment. "Just because you have a soul doesn't mean you're going to heaven. You of all people should know the human scum of the earth. I'm not saying killing humans is right, that's like a lamb telling a lion that it's fine to kill the rest of the flock," It was funny, in a dark way. But it was still funny. Though not the part about knowing the scum of the earth. Because I did. "but at the same time just because a human is more conscious of how animals in food farms are treated doesn't make them more likely to go to heaven, but it's a belief, a way of life. In your case it's a way of death, I guess." Carlisle was going through many of the talks he had with human vegetarians. It fit.

"_So what, she thinks all vampires have souls then? And even if they hunt humans they have a shot at heaven as long as they aren't the vampire scum of the earth?" _Rosalie was lost, practically everyone was lost on this. It was as some would say, 'food for though'.

"_So it would seem."_ This even had Carlisle reeling. It had Jasper reeling. The flickers of hope were beginning to grow in the back of his mind. As they were in mine.

I felt Bella climb back on the bed. She straddled my torso and I did my very best not to groan. Regardless, Jasper laughed at the timing. Bella always took me off guard. She touched my hand and I let her take it from my face. She kissed my palm. It surprised me, her insanely warm lips on my ice cold hand. My eye's were open without an emotional filter. I had no way of knowing what she saw, but she leaned over and shook her hair sending her sent into me like an air pump. It was like a curtain around us, it was just us here. She was looking me in the eyes but had not lost coherency. Was I loosing my touch or was I just that out of it right now?

"Shall I tell you why you have a soul?" I hardly had time to understand the question. "You are my love, my only love. When you left, you left me broken," I winced. "It obviously wasn't physical, more than anything it was emotionally. But tell me… what human ends up like I did from just 'emotional' pain?" From Jasper we already knew she had unusually strong feelings for a human. From Carlisle, I knew the answer to that was few and far between. I was going to answer her but she kissed me effectively shutting me up. I love this woman.

"We both have souls, but by then it was too late, they had already started to become one, if they weren't already. You left us with half a soul each, always begging for the other half to come back to it. And then when it did, the only pain remaining were those from memories. It fused back into one so easily, as if there had never been a break. It has told us all along what our mind's have not been able to comprehend, what our hearts haven't been able to understand." There was a lump in my throat that I was fighting. It was close to the top. My brain was close to giving up the fight. I think Bella knew that… somehow.

"If you silence the battle between your heart and your mind," She brought her hand under the hair curtain to brush both of our hair from my forehead, "you can hear it, you can feel it. You just know. Close your eye's and listen to the silence." She brought her hand back to my cheek brushing her thumb over my cheek bone. It was once again a comfort I could fall into. I'm not sure if my family had silenced their own brains or if I had somehow managed to turn off the fuzz, but at the moment. I didn't care. I closed my eyes and listened. I refused my brains logic and my hearts desire. I felt and thought nothing. It was difficult but it was something that could be found. It was a pull. A pull to all of Bella, not just her heart, not just her blood, not just her mind, not just her body… it was a pull to all of her. I needed her, she needed me. I loved her, I would not survive without her, I already knew that. I could never do anything to her, I could never hurt my love. I opened my eye's to meet hers, though they seemed distant.

"And?" She asked slightly impatiently, I almost wondered how long I had been silent.

"This is right. We're right. I won't hurt you, because I can't." I refuse to hurt you. I want to give you everything… I want you to be happy, I've cause you so much pain, I've been such an idiot.

_You have to start 'easing off the clutch' now. Or you'll talk yourself out of it. Prove to yourself that you wont hurt her. You won't I promise. I wouldn't let you, you know that._

"I know." She smiled. It was a bright smile but it twisted in apprehension, "You're not just saying that are you?" Just saying it… that would be lying. I won't lie to you, not any more love. I smiled at her mischievously and prayed that Alice was right. I flipped Bella over, our curtain gone.

"Not a chance." I ground my hips into hers eliciting a soft moan. I could do this. I wouldn't hurt her. I put all of my concentration into my body and hers. My kisses were probably lighter than normal and as I held her It wasn't tight. I could make it tight, so I just rubbed the sides of her torso. It may have been cowardly, but Bella was reacting… a lot, even with her cloths on. She stopped breathing with her mouth open letting out silent screams of pleasure making me remind her to breath. I didn't want her to pass out while I was trying to see If I could make her come. I wasn't at all sure how my mind would react if Bella were to have on any less clothing. It was already a haze. There was only one goal in mind, and it wasn't so much mind as body. My arousal grew as hers did. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but right now I was focusing on Bella. Giving her what she wants, what she needs. This was a very small baby step when it came to testing the 'clutch' and the 'brake' but this, if I could do this without hurting her. I couldn't deny us the practice that would lead us where we needed to be in order to go 'full throttle' on our honeymoon.

Bella, she was completely lost in her pleasure. It was a sight to see. Something I would want to see for the rest of eternity. I want it to be me that makes her like this. No man has seen what I will see, and I will see it. But no other man will. She's mine.

"Bella, you're mine." One last thrust and she screamed,

"Edward!" It was by no means quiet, neither of us were. But it didn't really care. I could feel her jeans soaking through to mine. I rolled off to the side as I watched her regain control of herself. In the state that I was in, I couldn't help but let my eye's wander from her face. Never before had I felt so much like a man. Her shirt was scuffed up a little bit showing her jean line against her skin. It was fascinating. I used my index finger to trace that line of skin just above her pants with feather light touches. If I moved her shirt up just a little bit higher I would see her navel. It was a tempting thought, but her heart was relaxed now. She let out a last sigh and opened her eye's to meet mine. They were distant, they were happy. After causing her so much pain I could cause this. We would work our way there. Only I looked forward to it now. There wasn't a bruise in sight.

"Such a tease, taking me to heaven and back. You'll be doing that more often, right?" If she was going for sexy she more than succeeded.

"Yes love, dear god yes." I sighed, smelling her beautiful hair. It was then that Alice's mental screaming broke through the haze that was lust.

_Edward! You did it! I told you! _She was more than smug. As was… my… mother. Reality came crashing down on me.

_Edward… I'm so proud of him._

_Bella You're Mine… nice line there bro._

_Dude Bella's a screamer… haha._

_More hormonal teenagers, wonderful._

_I knew you could do it son._

It was slightly embarrassing to have the rest of my family thinking such, but I'd get used to it, and hopefully the novelty of a 'hormonal Edward' would wear off soon. I hoped.

I tuned them out as best I could and just relaxed in the presence of my Bella. I felt lighter now. So very much lighter it was ridiculous. I guess… it will take time getting used to the idea that vampire's have souls. But it'll sink in eventually. Especially with Bella around. She had this odd habit of Changing me in ways… in ways I could never imagine. For a vampire to change it takes something dramatic, and it is permanent. Bella had thrown so many switches in my supposedly frozen brain. She was a part of me, of that I had no doubt.

"What are you thinking?" I had to chuckle at her use of the phrase that I always used on her. I tried to describe what she was to me, I had tried before and failed to make it stick.

"When you first came to forks, my eye's were shut tight, so stuck in my own beliefs. I though that you had shown me how to open them, but you didn't. You told me how to, for how could I see with my eye's closed, how could I understand when I didn't have access to your mind. And when I refused to open them on my own, you did it for me, shoving the facts in my face. Like flicking a switch in my brain, you've done it to me so many times. I doubt you will ever cease to amaze me. How such a creature could love a mo…" She'd yell at me for that phrasing. "How could such a woman, have fallen in a love with a man like me?" She smiled her brilliant smile.

"You say I don't see myself clearly. You seem to have the same affliction. Let me lend you my eye's." What did she mean by that, "You're a handsome young man with green eyes aged topaz with time and blood. You're beautiful, you're old, but you're still a horny teenager." I chuckled at that last statement.

"I'm not the only horny teenager here Mrs. Soon-to-be Cullen." She laughed quietly as I flipped so that I was over her and she under me. I couldn't help but throw that in there, just to see how she would react.

"Don't you mean Mrs. Soon-to-be Masen-Cullen?" Masen-Cullen, why would she… "Cullen makes me a part of this family, Masen makes me yours." Her words may as well have been a slap in the face. I stared in shock for a moment. My reaction was instant, my control undeniably out the window. She wanted this, she wanted my last name, she wanted to be My wife. I crushed my lips to her, I struggled to keep it light but It was harder than normal, more urgent. She was everything… and she unfortunately still needed to breath. I kissed along her jaw line as she gasped for air. I used the time to settle down, to lessen the lust haze. Alice broke through once again… little pixie just loved to interrupt.

_Isabella Marie Masen Cullen. The documents are already done and in hand. No worries. FYI, you have thirty seconds._

Thirty seconds? I checked what everyone was thinking. They were glad for me and all, but they wanted to see Bella. I wonder if she had any idea how they were going to react to what she had said. She obviously hadn't seemed to care when she said them.

Her mouth was still open her breathing not quite regular yet. But I had less than thirty seconds, I was damn well going to use them. I opened my mouth ever so slightly placing it above hers. I swallowed any venom in my mouth back and slipped my tongue into her mouth. She tasted delicious. My tongue stroked hers and she let out the most erotic sound I had ever heard. It was an incredibly throaty moan. Her eye's fluttered back I moved so that she could breath. She let out a whimper that made me want so much more than I could have right now. I had the slightest of feelings I was going to be living off her little noises for decades… centuries… and there is was. Acceptance…acceptance without guilt. Yes there would be guilt for what her change would do to Charlie and Renee. But we'd make sure they were taken care of. But when it came to Bella herself, I felt no guilt rise at the thought of changing her now. I smiled at her.

"I love you my Isabella." She smiled back.

"I love you my Edward."

_3... 2... 1. Party's over love birds._ Emmet was in a rather hurry to see us. I could almost feel the giddiness coming off of him. He banged loudly on the door making Bella jump. I rolled back on to my side and faced the door as Bella turned to face me in confusion. The door opened and I was smiling… probably like an idiot. Bella plastered an adorably innocent cheesy smile to her face and turned around. She moved and the smile faltered for a moment.

"I need a human moment first." Alice was crushing Bella to her with a pair of pants waiting. Bella wasn't breathing and I started growling. Alice rolled her eye's looking rather sheepish.

"Three minutes thirty two seconds, and just leave them in a corner, the pack rat will find them later." Her blush was exquisite. Jasper wasn't looking thankfully. I guess I was a bit of a pack rat. Okay I was definitely a pack rat, and I guess those would be more than applicable for the things to keep pile. I got off the bed and stood. I was looking at the floor not really knowing what to say.

"It hardly covers it, but I'm sorry for being so…"

"Thick headed?" Rosalie supplied.

"Yeah." I looked up. And the scene before me seemed out of place, as if it was one of those things that happened only once every few thousand years. I don't know why but it did. My eye's met each of my families… in apology for thinking they had no soul. It was pointless to a degree, as most of them believed the same and had just not expressed it. Then my eye's met Carlisle's. His brain surprisingly empty, holding nothing but my face compared to just hours ago. I was the same, and yet noticeably different. Soul's had always been the one place where Carlisle and I disagreed the most. At first it had been his lifestyle. I came back understanding… just as I came back understanding now.

"Father?" It wasn't that rare for us to call Esme mom when she was scolding us. But it was rare for us to feel the need to address Carlisle as 'Father'. This was one of those instances. Not a second later he was holding me as he had held me when I came back begging for forgiveness… Bella was right, he had treated me as the prodigal son that night. I returned the embrace. I didn't deserve it, I never had, didn't deserve this family, didn't deserve Bella… but if they were what I was given. I would sure as hell take them. This oddly felt like coming home again.

"Sorry." I whispered

"Nothing to forgive." And the outside world ceased to matter. We both settled in our own world, our own little island. Finding a way to agree on this, finally having found my conscience, my Bella, and it seemed like a wall was crumbling with us. The one thing that we didn't talk about was souls because we hated fighting, and we knew that was where it would go. It blocked our connection as first born and father. But it was disintegrating, and I felt that much closer to him.

_I can never thank Bella enough for her words tonight… ever. _I smiled knowing the feeling. Our quiet dry sobs had stopped and we pulled apart feeling refreshed in a way that can't be described in words.

I realized that Bella had been out for a while and everyone kept replaying her words and embrace. I had to smile at Jaspers face. Alice was excited at having it on camera. It was a strange thing that a human's acceptance would have such an effect on everyone. Rosalie most notably, I almost wondered if Bella had flicked a switch in her brain as well… heck she may as well have flicked everyone's switches. I glanced back at Jasper who was resting a hand on Bella's shoulder.

_She holds a love so powerful it was causing her pain. She's fine, she just has vampire emotions in a human body. Interesting to say the least._ I smiled at him then I looked at Bella smiling softly at Carlisle and I, our eye's met and I saw the world there. Carlisle and Bella's eye's met and he threw me a grin.

_I've no way to repay her, but I can sure as well try._ Jasper let go of her and Carlisle walked to her giving her a hug similar to the one he had just given me.

"Thank you my daughter. For everything you have done for my son, for my family." She started crying and I didn't know why. I looked to Jasper who still had that goofy grin on his face.

_I can't wait until she's a Vampire, sans the newborn viciousness._ I raised an eye brow at him. _She's just so happy._ I hoped to god that it would last. But Bella wasn't done shocking us, she was never done shocking us.

"Thank you father." Carlisle chuckled drawing her closer. I think it slammed into everyone at the same time… the implication of those words. When she had been talking about them, she had compared them to family relations… but hadn't actually, besides Alice, referred to anyone by an actual family member. Until now.

Bella is family. A daughter, a sister, a wife. This is how it would be in just a few short weeks. The family had figuratively fallen and was rising again as one. We had called this a family before rather than a coven. But now, more so than ever, that word was so much more than a label. It was an idea made real. Family.

Esme and I circled our arms around Carlisle and Bella clasping each others hands. The outer circle was much the same Jasper between Carlisle and I, Alice between Bella and I, Rose between Carlisle and Esme, and Emmet wrapping his arms around as many as possible standing behind Esme and Bella.

Everyone's thoughts were silent, everything was silent besides Bella's crying. No words were needed in this moment. Only our unbeating hearts spoke, and they spoke through Bella. It was a surreal feeling that held everyone there until Bella's tears subsided. Like nothing I had ever felt before. No one had felt that before. Jasper was reveling in that feeling, it was overpowering our confusion of what it was, but our confusion was there just the same. Regardless our mother knew, she knew what this was.

_This is what it's like… Our family is finally whole._

Carlisle held Bella out judging her steadiness. I stood behind her regardless. She was very unsteady so I held her up. I was about to ask Alice to get some tissues when Rosalie popped up holding a box out to Bella. They shared a small smile, it was a truce, it was more acceptance.

Emmett's thoughts had been rather quiet through out all of this. Though I hadn't been… here, so to speak… when he hugged Bella. I had a fair Idea of what he said. But other than that, his mind had been fairly bewildered by all this. It's true he brought strength with him to this life, but It seems he also brought the ability to make a joke about anything and everything. With Bella blowing her nose, the chance to lighten the atmosphere of this insanely warm inferno, was too good to pass up.

"Jesus Bella, didn't know you were related to elephants." He chuckled lightly as Rose smacked the back of his head. We all dissolved into laughter.

Change was rare for vampires, but for so many to change at once. This human girl, soon to be one of us, had done so much. Knowing Bella she would never see the full extent to what she had done for the family. Esme noted more than anyone the changes in all of her children, in Carlisle even, especially in herself.

_I'm going to go make a few more arrangements then I will be dragging her shopping. You have two hours and thirteen minutes. Don't waste them._

"You two have fun, but Bella, we are going shopping later." Bella smiled at Alice, it made her blink.

"Okay."

_Damn, If she's got a thousand watt smile now…_ I raised an eye brow at Alice who was giving me a small smirk. Yes, I was doomed. I would do anything for her, and though she could capture me with a smile before, I had never seen her smile like that. If/When I was at the receiving end of such a smile, there would be no hope, I would do anything Bella asked.

Everyone began to leave our room each in their own thoughts, each adjusting to the new level of loyalty and love within the family. Esme was the last to leave, closing the door quietly behind her. Bella turned around to face me. Her eye's were still puffy and red, as was her nose, her hair was a little ruffled and her cloths were crinkled. Bella: the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. She was mine, forever. Once again, the guilt of that thought did not come. Forever was looking wonderful, with her by my side, Always.

We had been through so much, and our happy ending wasn't that far away. Happy ending, not a tragedy. Sure we would have our disagreements, our family may get too close, we may want our own space now and then. But that was later, and this was now, and right now… Right now I was at the mercy of a merciless seductress.

Bella wrapped her arms around my neck as I wrapped mine around her waist drawing her closer. Her lips grazed mine lightly, and to my dismay left them and followed my jaw line back to my ear. And then I was reduced to a moaning idiot as her tongue slid against the back of my earlobe, and then she was sucking it, then her teeth were grazing it sending an electrical shot from my ear to my groin. I groaned as I dropped my cheek to rest lightly on her shoulders as I inhaled her sweet scent. A pain that had come to be associated with pleasure. The monster knew it would not win, it couldn't. Even knowing the taste of her blood, her death would mean my own and the monster didn't dare test my will.

I was on the verge of letting go, letting the man take over, to let myself enjoy what I had been forbidding us both from. Our wedding was in a few weeks, but from the accumulated knowledge I had gained unwittingly from the thoughts of others, I knew well enough that there was plenty of foreplay to keep us busy until then. Just before the rubber band that was my sanity snapped, Bella leaned foreword and whispered the last coherent words I would let her form until my sister forced her way back into our life.

"Ease off the clutch, leaving your soulless thoughts behind."

* * *

AN: There it is folks… more impossibly sappy family fluffy-ness. Hope the length didn't scare ya off. Thanks for reading ^_^ R and R.


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